Seeking Guidance
by honeyMellon
Summary: Juushiro watched the swirling tattoos come to life as the young man flexed his arms and snapped his whip-like zanpakutou forward. He saw the anger that saturated every thrust of those muscular arms and the strain in those narrow, tired brown eyes. Juushiro had a good idea where these hurtful feelings came from, and he wanted to help.
1. Chapter 1

**This story stemmed from a suggestion from the lovely Cuzosu, who came across this pairing from a questionnaire. I've always loved Renji, and Juushiro is a character whom I'm just beginning to feel comfortable with, so...the two of them combined? Bring it on!**

* * *

Evening was Ukitake Juushiro's favorite time of the day. It was when birds flocked back to their nests, when the sun gently reeled in her rays, caressing the earth with the last of her warmth, when the sky began to blush a delicate tint of pink and orange.

It was also when the lake looked its most majestic—the smooth mirror-like surface of the water glittered in the receding sunlight, shining as though dusted with the finest jewels.

Juushiro always chose the longer path back from his office at the Thirteenth division to his private home because it allowed him to walk past the lake. He would've liked to be able to live close to his division, but alas, his illness and its tendency to strike at the most unexpected moments made it necessary for him to rest somewhere away from the public eye. It wasn't that he was ashamed of his condition—he just preferred not to alarm his subordinates unnecessarily.

Today, like any other day, he strolled along the narrow dirt road slowly, taking the time to ponder over the day's events and allow his muscles to relax. He had a perfect view of the lake from his vantage point. But today, his view was disturbed by a small speck of movement at the edge of the water. His curiosity peaked.

As he veered off the path and approached the lake, he was finally able to discern the details of the moving form. Standing just far enough out of sight and earshot, Juushiro watched the swirling tattoos come to life as the young man flexed his arms and snapped his whip-like _zanpakutou_ forward.

If Rukia's _Sode no Shirayuki_ was the most beautiful _zanpakutou_ in Soul Society, then _Zabimaru_ was the wildest—both a sword and a whip in its _shikai_ form, it was as unpredictable as its master. And in its _bankai_ form, _Zabimaru_ was one of the most magnificent weapon that Juushiro had ever seen.

Juushiro stood there and watched silently as the jagged blades cut mercilessly through the air, howling as it toppled trees and boulders in its path. As quickly as the whip was unleashed, it was retracted with equal grace and strength.

This young man had improved greatly since Juushiro first knew of him. Yes, knew _of_. Juushiro could count in one hand the number of times he actually spoke to Abarai Renji, but he had heard stories—how he had grown up with Rukia in the slums of Rukongai, how he worked constantly and relentlessly to rise through the ranks.

Yet, there _was_ one thing that bound them together—their conviction to save Rukia. And it was during that time that Juushiro _truly_ noticed the man. He knew that, for a time, Rukia and Renji had drifted apart, but the redhead had not hesitated to give his all to rescue his childhood friend. Such honorable and loyal friends were scarce.

Juushiro frowned as _Zabimaru_ made a gash in the ground with a loud crack. Renji's skills had improved, but there was an air of imbalance in the way he wielded his weapon. His strikes were confident, accurate, but they were too harsh. Renji would not last long in battle with the way he fought now.

But, as Juushiro continued to observe, he began to sense that the lieutenant was not so much training as he was _venting_. Juushiro began to see the anger that saturated every thrust of those muscular arms and the strain in those narrow, tired brown eyes. So much power, so much pain, so little control.

Without the need to hear it from the man himself, Juushiro had a good idea where these hurtful feelings came from. And he could not help but wonder—was he the only one who noticed? Where were Renji's friends? Why was he out here alone?

_Was he hiding?_

Juushiro knew how dangerous it was to suppress emotions like this. Even the strongest of men would succumb to this invisible poisoning of the soul. If left unheeded, the Abarai Renji that Rukia knew would cease to exist.

With that thought in mind, Juushiro intentionally raised the level of his _reiatsu_, politely announcing his presence to the lieutenant. Well, "polite" was perhaps not the most accurate word in this case, given that he had been secretly watching the man for quite some time.

Renji sensed the captain at once. Returning his _zanpakutou_ to its dormant form, Renji sheathed his weapon and approached the white-haired, _haori_-clad man.

"Good evening, Ukitake-taicho," he said, eyes wide with surprise. Unconsciously, he turned his head left and right, searching for the ever-present Third seats of the Thirteenth division.

Juushiro couldn't help laughing. "They're not here, Abarai-fukutaicho. I am on my way back home."

Renji grinned sheepishly at the captain. "Didn't realize I was being so obvious, Ukitake-taicho," he said.

Juushiro bit his tongue before he could let slip the other observations that he had made. Instead, he smiled and commented, "I see you're training hard. It must be very intense, seeing how you seem unaware of your injury." He pointed to Renji's forehead where a smear of blood was mixed in the sheen of sweat.

"Oh," Renji reached up and touched his head gingerly. "Doesn't hurt." He seemed surprised when his fingers came away red.

"Well, we should have that looked at," Juushiro said. "I'm just on my way home, if you don't mind, I can tend to it there."

Renji looked slightly taken aback at the offer. "I don't want to be a bother, this is nothing," he said hastily.

"Don't be silly, it's no bother," Juushiro said, giving the younger man a friendly smile.

After a brief moment of hesitation, Renji finally nodded. "I need to pick up my stuff," he said, then he went back to where he had been standing earlier and retrieved several items—a bottle of water, towels, and a small cloth bag that looked like it may have contained food.

They climbed up the grassy slope and found the dirt road that Juushiro had been following. Renji stood back to let the captain lead the way, and then they walked. The silence was a little awkward; Renji didn't quite know what to say to Rukia's captain. The man was legendary—one of the oldest captains in Gotei 13, one of the first graduates of the _Shino _academy, personally trained by Yamamoto-soutaicho himself. Renji's mind ran through everything he knew about the captain walking by his side, and realized that he didn't really know the man at all except for these textbook-like facts.

Renji stole a glance at Juushiro and wondered briefly what the man was really like. What was it like to be so powerful yet be at the mercy of an incurable illness? What had he seen in the hundreds of years that he had served as a captain of the Gotei 13? And most importantly, what did he feel about the betrayal of the three captains?

Lost in his reverie, Renji did not notice that the captain had stopped in his path until he nearly collided with the man's back. Startled and embarrassed, he bowed in apology.

"There is no need to be so formal here," Juushiro said, gesturing to the entrance of his house. "Come, let's look at that cut of yours."

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**Definitely to be continued :)**

**So, what'd you think?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all so much for the feedback and favs! For those to whom I can't reply via PM, I'll thank you here. :)**

* * *

Renji was surprised to find the captain's private quarters quite cozy. He had expected the place to be filled with extravagant furnishings like his own captain's mansion—perhaps a little less given that Kuchiki was much higher-ranked than the Ukitake family—but there were almost none. The living room was sparsely decorated, the sturdy wooden chairs well-worn, the mat clean but simple. The walls were dotted with photographs and paintings—some looked like they were drawn by children.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," Juushiro said apologetically as he returned from the kitchen with two steaming cups of green tea. "The water took a little longer to boil than I'd expected. I'm not used to having visitors over, you see." He placed one of the cups down on the low table, and offered the other to the lieutenant.

Renji accepted his tea politely. "Not even Kyoraku-taicho?" he asked, curious.

Juushiro laughed and waved his hand in the air with a look of affection in his eyes. "Ah, he just makes himself at home," he said. Then, he knelt down next to the low table and peered at the cut on Renji's forehead. "If you don't mind..."

The redhead placed his cup down and moved closer to the captain, then sat back down on his heels. He felt the captain's long sleeves brush against his cheeks ever-so-slightly, then, he heard the man say, "There we go, you must've been hit by a piece of rock when you were smashing the place apart." There was a slight sting, then Juushiro gave a satisfied "hmmph" and pulled away.

"It's done?" Renji asked before he could stop himself. As soon as the words left his mouth, he cringed, realizing how rude he must've sounded, questioning the captain when the man had volunteered to help him. This was Ukitake-taicho! How many members of the Gotei 13 could boast that they had been invited into the captain's home, much less being healed by him personally? "I'm sorry, I'm just surprised..." he began to explain.

Juushiro chuckled good-naturedly. "Stop apologizing. Like I said, you don't have to be so formal here," he said, eyeing the redhead with a hint of amusement.

Feeling embarrassed by his faux pas, Renji nodded. Then, for lack of other things to say or do, he wrapped his hands around his tea cup and stared at it. Should he just thank the captain and leave? After all, that was the only reason the captain had invited him in. Now that it's done...

"Would you like to stay for dinner?" Juushiro asked, interrupting Renji's thoughts. When Renji looked up in surprise, he quickly added, "It's nothing fancy, just some rice and broiled mackerel that my relative sent over this morning."

Renji hesitated. He wasn't used to interacting with someone like Ukitake-taicho—his friends were all as loud and easy-going as he was, he didn't have to worry about offending them by speaking his mind. Ukitake-taicho seemed down-to-earth, but he was still a captain. Renji suddenly wished Rukia was here—she would know what to do, or say.

"Yes?" Juushiro asked again.

The friendly, almost-eager smile on the captain's face made Renji feel guilty. Scratching his head a little awkwardly, Renji finally nodded. How long could dinner last anyway?

When the food was heated up and laid out on the low table, Renji followed Juushiro's lead, mimicking how the captain held his chopsticks and matching the man's pace. To his astonishment, it was the captain who began a conversation.

"If you don't mind my asking," Juuhsiro said, dabbing the corner of his mouth with a handkerchief. "Do you always train alone?"

Renji quickly swallowed his food and replied, "Just recently. I usually spar with Ikka...Madarame-san."

Juushiro nodded with a thoughtful look on his face. Was this too soon to bring up the topic? He looked at the younger man and noticed the glint of wariness in the brown eyes across the table. He decided to tread gently.

"I used to train alone, when I was much, much younger," Juushiro said.

Renji's eyebrows shot up at the unexpected, rather personal information. He couldn't help wondering where this conversation was headed.

Juushiro could feel the young man's questioning gaze on his face, and he went on, "I pushed myself because I felt like I have to make up for being ill, being weaker than everyone else." He glanced at Renji. "But I didn't want my family to know. I hid it even from Shunsui. I thought that it was a burden that only I understood, and that I have to deal with it myself."

Renji stared at the captain. Suddenly, he realized what was going on. He had no idea how Juushiro found out, but it looked like the captain had somehow picked up on his thoughts. It was subtle, but there was no doubt what the man was trying to do. _You have no idea what I'm going through_, he thought, feeling a little bitter. _You're strong, powerful, you come from a big, loving family_. _You didn't drag your best friend back for her execution, you didn't try to kill your captain. You're _nothing_ like me._

Juushiro saw the slight narrowing of Renji's eyes and knew that his message had been received. And if the young man's body language was any indication, Renji clearly did not like the unsolicited counsel. But Juushiro was unfazed.

"There are many ways to deal with emotions," he said, choosing his words carefully.

Renji clenched his jaw and forced himself to swallow his retort. After a moment of silence, he said, "Well, I only know one, and it's working fine so far." His voice was stiff.

"Is it really?" Juushiro raised an eyebrow. The brown eyes narrowed dangerously. "How many times did you end your _training_ feeling better than before?"

Renji averted his gaze.

"I thought so," Juushiro said. Sensing the tension in the lieutenant's body, Juushiro sighed, and his voice softened. "Standing up for your beliefs is an admirable thing to do, Abarai-fukutaicho. There is nothing you need to be ashamed of."

This time, Renji could not hold back. "You don't understand," he said, practically spitting out the words.

"Do I not?" Juushiro shot back. "Perhaps you didn't know, but I, too, raised my sword against _my_ superior, the person who groomed me and made me who I am today. Do I wish that I did not have to? Of course. But do I wish that I hadn't? _No_." Renji's eyes widened, and Juushiro continued, "Because if I hadn't, an innocent life would've been lost."

When the young man kept quiet, Juushiro said in a gentler tone, "I have seen many things in my lifetime. I dare not say that I understand them all, but I do know one thing—holding on to the past is the worst mistake one can ever make."

Renji sighed and looked up at the captain with tired eyes. "Do you think I haven't tried?" he asked. "I try and I try, but everytime I close my eyes, everytime I sleep, I see Rukia in my mind. _Dead_. And it would be all my fault." His voice trailed off into a harsh whisper. "If Ichigo hadn't come here, Rukia would be..."

"Do you think that Kurosaki-kun would've succeeded by himself?" Juushiro asked softly. "If you had not fought him, if you had not delayed Kuchiki-taicho, if you had not stood up to Aizen, do you think the outcome would be what it is today?"

Renji looked startled at the question—obviously this had never crossed his mind. After a long pause, he finally said, "I...I don't know."

"Nobody blames you but yourself, Abarai-fukutaicho," Juushiro went on. "You have to learn to move past this."

Renji pondered over the captain's words. The anger he had felt at the beginning of this conversation tapered off. _Learn to move past this? _"Easier said than done," he muttered, thinking out loud.

Juushiro nodded. "Yes, it is," he agreed. Then, looking at Renji, he said carefully, "If you don't mind, I'd like to help."

The redhead's eyes widened in surprise at the offer. "That...I...that's kind of you, but I..."

"No pressure, of course," Juushiro said immediately. "Take some time to think about it."

Renji nodded, obviously still very surprised. "Thank you, Ukitake-taicho," he said. "I...I'll keep that in mind."

The rest of dinner crept by slowly as Renji replayed the conversation in his head. Juushiro threw him the occasional glance, wondering if the lieutenant would take up his offer. It was hard to tell, even with Juushiro's sharp sense of intuition.

He would just have to wait and see, Juushiro decided.

* * *

**This is not an intentional cliffy, it's just seems like a nice point to transition into the next part of the story. :) **

**Do let me know what you think of the story so far...I do realize this pairing is really rare (and kind of odd? hehe), so I think a little more build-up is necessary, compared to other pairings.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks again for the reads and reviews! :) **

**Like I mentioned in the previous chapter, I chose to take more time (and words) to build up their relationship in order to present a realistic environment for the story to blossom into the rated-M goodness that we all know will happen.**

**So do bear with me as I introduce the context for what will happen in chapter 4. ;)**

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Renji could not sleep that night. He stared at the ceiling, turned to his sides, but no matter what he did, Ukitake-taicho's words kept coming back. _I thought that it was a burden that only I understood, and that I have to deal with it myself._ But wasn't that what it was? It was no one's responsibility but his.

Eventually, his mind fizzled, the words became blurred, and his eyes grew heavy. But, like every night since the incident, he was tormented even in sleep.

Every time his eyes drifted closed, the sudden image of Rukia with her glassy, empty eyes staring at him would jolt him awake. Sometimes Kuchiki-taicho would appear in his dreams, too, looking down at him from his high perch, distaste clear in his eyes. Renji felt like mere dirt under the noble's feet.

Other nights, he would see himself lying on the ground, soaked in blood and on the verge of death. He hated that almost as much as he hated seeing Rukia's dead body—with those images came physical pain that felt so real that it was as though he was surrounded by the deadly petals of _Senbonzakura_ again.

And so he stayed awake and once again pondered over what happened during the day.

The last thing he expected was to be approached by Ukitake-taicho. He had to admit that he was impressed by the captain for noticing his...issues when people he saw everyday had not. He thought he'd gotten pretty good at hiding his feelings over the years—for over fifty years he had forced himself to look away when he brushed past Rukia in the hallways of Seireitei, to pretend that he didn't care that he had lost his one true friend. He wasn't afraid to speak his mind, not at all, but there were some things that he preferred to keep near to his heart, away from prying eyes.

And this was one of them. Was it so bad to be angry at himself? Was it wrong that he enjoyed the rush of adrenaline when he unleashed _Zabimaru_?

Although, he had to admit that Ukitake-taicho was right—after the rush always came a torrent of guilt and self-loathing.

By the time Renji succumbed to sleep out of sheer exhaustion, it was already close to dawn.

* * *

Juushiro lost count of the number of times he glanced at his front door that evening. He had again taken the lake-side path home, but saw no sign of the Sixth division lieutenant. He mentally kicked himself—it had been too soon to speak of such sensitive matters after all.

Yet, Juushiro remembered how the fire had receded in those eyes when he offered his help. He refilled his tea cup, and unconsciously flicked his gaze to the door again.

When the sky finally gave way to darkness, Juushiro sighed and stood up to make dinner. He shouldn't feel so surprised or disappointed, he supposed. Nobody liked strangers poking their noses into their private lives.

But just as he was about to step inside the kitchen, he felt a faint but familiar _reiatsu_. His lips curled up into a smile. So he had come after all.

* * *

Renji found himself sitting at the same low table again. While his host tinkered with pots and pans in the kitchen, he took the time alone to take a better look at the cozy little home.

For example, he now knew that some of the paintings were gifts from Ukitake-taicho's nieces and nephews, as there were childish scrawls of names at the corners of each painting. Renji couldn't help smiling as he pictured the white-haired captain being surrounded by laughing, chattering children. It was a role that suited the man.

Renji had taken the entire day to think about whether he should see Ukitake-taicho. Last night had been especially difficult—perhaps the conversation with the captain had made the feelings that he worked so hard to conceal creep a little closer to the surface.

When he woke up with a massive headache that morning, his first notion was that he would do anything to make this go away—the guilt, the nightmares, the anger. He'd do _anything_. And of course with that thought came Ukitake-taicho's offer.

Still, he had walked at painstakingly slow pace from the Sixth division to the captain's house, as though his body was unconsciously giving him a chance to change his mind. He was dismayed to find that it was completely dark by the time he arrived, and had turned to leave, but the captain had already sensed his presence.

And so he was invited in.

Food was soon laid out on the table, the fare not unlike the previous night. Once again he followed the captain's lead and ate slowly with almost unnatural politeness. And just like the night before, it was Juushiro who started the conversation.

"No doubt you've been wondering," Juushiro said, setting his chopsticks aside. "How exactly I can help you."

Renji nodded, his eyes brimming with curiosity.

Juushiro took a sip of tea and leaned forward slightly. "Let me see if I understand the situation correctly," he said, frowning in concentration. "You feel guilty and angry because you think you nearly got Rukia killed, and that you had gone against your captain, and as a result, you get visions and nightmares that depict what you believe _could _havehappened, and perhaps flashbacks of memories that are particularly unpleasant." He paused and looked at Renji. "How close am I?"

Renji wrinkled his nose and processed the captain's words. "That is a rather clinical way of describing it, but...I...I guess you can put it that way," he muttered after a moment of silence.

Juushiro smacked the table with his palm. "But I also think that it's a cycle," he said. When Renji raised his eyebrows inquiringly, he explained, "Those images, visions...nightmares, whatever you want to call it...I think that they _reaffirm_ your negative emotions, making them worse over time."

"And then, because I feel guiltier, I get even more nightmares." Renji said wearily.

Juushiro nodded solemnly.

"Well then, I'm fucked," Renji blurted out in dismay. Then, suddenly remembering that he was in the presence of a captain, he clamped his hands over his mouth and stared at Juushiro in horror.

The silky white strands that were framing the captain's face swayed in time with the movements of his shoulders as he laughed. "I have heard more colorful words in my lifetime, Abarai-fukutaicho. Relax."

Renji gave a small sheepish smile, then groaned as he buried his face in his hands. "What am I supposed to do?" He jumped visibly as a cold hand suddenly rested gently on his forearm. He opened his eyes to find Juushiro looking at him kindly.

"You may think that this is a little strange, but there is a technique that I'd like to try," the captain said. "I have to tell you up front, though, I haven't done it on anyone else."

Renji blinked, feeling uncertain. "Okay. May I know what it is?"

Juushiro nodded. "In a perfect world, the solution would be to remove your negative emotions altogether. But, unfortunately, I have learned first-hand that it takes a very long time to heal from those type of mental scars," he said. "My hypothesis is that, if we can lessen those visions or nightmares—or ideally, stop it altogether—we should be able to increase the pace of the path to recovery."

Renji looked skeptical, but he remained silent.

"That's the first step we will take—mastering your nightmares," Juushiro continued. He paused and peered intently into the brown eyes across of him.

"And by mastering..." Renji prompted.

Juushiro said, "Confront them, and _changing_ them."

Renji's eyes widened in surprise, then immediately narrowed. "But how am I supposed to _change_ things that I have no control over?"

"Ah," Juushiro said with a smile, rubbing his palms together. "That's where I come in. We first need to put you in a state of semi-consciousness, where you have access to your subconscious but yet remain _just _conscious enough to have self-awareness."

"Woah," Renji muttered, shaking his head. "That is deep."

Juushiro held up a hand. "In simpler terms, it means that you need to be in a state where you can _take control_ of those images. You need to be in a state where you are consciously aware that those are what they are—simply images of things that are _not real_. For example, when you see the image of Rukia being dead, you need to be conscious enough to _know_ that it's not real, because you _know_ that in reality, Rukia is alive and well."

Renji scratched his head and repeated the sentences in his mind, trying his best to understand what they meant. "So you're saying that there is a way for me to control the nightmares and those...visions."

"Yes." The head of white hair bobbed up and down as the captain nodded, satisfied that the lieutenant had grasped the core of the idea. "And my role is to help you to get into that state."

Overwhelmed by the strangeness of Juushiro's proposed treatment strategy, the redhead rubbed his face vigorously as though to make sure that he was not hearing things. "Just...wow," he said after a stretch of silence.

"Feel free to take some time to decide if you want to try it," Juushiro said gently. "Like I said, there is no pressure. I understand if you find it hard to believe."

Renji said hastily, "I believe you, Ukitake-taicho. I just need to wrap my head around the concept...and whether...whether it will work for me."

The captain nodded with a reassuring smile. "Think it over, and should you decide to do it, my door is always open."

* * *

Renji's mind was miles away as he trudged home. He didn't even look up when several junior officers in his division greeted him—he neither saw nor heard them. If it weren't for the fact that his room was the last unit in the hallway, he would've wandered past it.

Once the door was closed, he plopped himself down onto his bed and sat on the edge of the mattress. He stared blankly at the floor, his mind going over the conversation he had with Ukitake-taicho over dinner.

It was insane. Outrageous, in fact. He had to admit that if it hadn't been Ukitake-taicho who mentioned it to him, he would've dismissed it without further thought. But now, because it _was_ suggested by the captain—if you couldn't trust one of the most senior captain in the Gotei 13, who else could you trust?—he found himself seriously considering the treatment.

Mentally exhausted, he fell onto his back in his bed, grunting when the air was knocked out of his lungs upon impact.

"What am I supposed to do?" he asked out loud.

* * *

**It might sound geeky, but I read up on psychological treatments to cure nightmares in order to write this chapter. :p The method mentioned here, while a little more exaggerated than its usage in reality, is based on the real-life treatment known as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. **

**Let me know what you think! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you so, so much for the encouraging feedback for the last chapter.**

**To make up for the geeky 3rd chapter, here's a fast update! 3**

* * *

"Your fangs will never reach me," the cold, emotionless voice said.

Renji couldn't see the face, but he recognized the voice. His heart rate immediately jumped up several notches and he began to hyperventilate. Instinctively, he reached for his sword only to find that it wasn't there—he was unarmed! In a panic, he turned to his weakest skill and started the incantation for _hado no 31_, but it was too late.

His vision blurred, then he was suddenly surrounded by a flurry of pink. A burst of pain racked his body—the sting was so sharp and so deep that he felt it even in his bones. Despite his best efforts to stay on his feet, he gasped and fell onto his knees. His skin burned—every inch of his body felt as though it was going up in flames, and he clawed at his hands, his face, shrieking as every touch brought forth even worse jolts of pain. Tears ran down his face, the salt in the liquid searing his tortured skin.

Renji sat up in his bed with a hoarse cry. Eyes wild and heart pumping erratically, he clung desperately onto the blanket that was pooled around his waist and gasped, his voice and breath spilling out at broken, uneven intervals. He lost track of how long he sat like this, but when he finally stopped sobbing, he held up his hands and stared numbly at them. Even when he thought he was holding them steady, they still trembled.

With a final sob, he buried his face in his hands—they were ice-cold and damp. In fact, his entire body was drenched. Suddenly cold, he pulled his covers up to his neck, ignoring the discomfort when the fabric stuck to his sweat-slicked body.

Tomorrow...tomorrow he would go to Ukitake-taicho.

* * *

Juushiro looked at the young man sitting cross-legged in front of him. "Remember, relax, and listen only to my voice. Tune out everything else," he said.

Renji nodded. The words that were meant to be reassuring instead made him clench his fists, and his _shihakusho_ was pulled taut across his thighs in his grip.

"Relax," Juushiro repeated. He rested a palm on the lieutenant's hand and couldn't help flinching at the contact with the unnaturally cold skin. He decided to wait a few more minutes to let the man calm down a little more.

Earlier, when Renji told him that he had had a particularly bad nightmare last night, he had been shocked to hear the tremor in the man's voice. He could tell that Renji was already holding himself back, so Juushiro could only imagine what it was like to wake up from such a traumatic experience in the darkness...alone.

"I think I'm okay now," Renji said, interrupting Juushiro's thoughts.

Juushiro took in a deep breath. He had gone over his notes again to make sure that he remembered every single detail. Theoretically, with his level of knowledge and spiritual strength, it should not take long for him to coax his patient into the right state of mind.

"Close your eyes," Juushiro instructed.

Renji hesitated for a split second, then, almost reluctantly, he closed his eyes. His grip on his _shihakusho_ tightened.

"Relax," Juushiro said soothingly. "Don't be afraid, I'm right here. Take a couple of deep breaths...that's it...slowly..."

The redhead's fingers relaxed slightly.

"Now, I'm going to start slowly," Juushiro said, keeping his voice low and steady. "I need you to imagine that you're in an empty room. It's square, with white walls, and completely empty. And you're sitting on the floor, cross-legged as you are now."

Renji's brows furrowed a bit, then he nodded and tried to picture the room. _It's square...it's empty...wait, what color walls is it supposed to have?_

Juushiro saw the young man's head cock to the side. "Is something wrong?"

Renji blushed in embarrassment. "Sorry, I, uhh...forgot the color of the walls. Can you please tell me what I'm supposed to see again?"

Juushiro repeated his instruction and watched as the lieutenant closed his eyes again. He waited. After a moment he asked gently, "What do you see?"

Renji blushed again. "Umm, still working on the walls. Give me a minute."

Juushiro smiled to himself. "Okay, take your time."

When he said that, he certainly did not expect that, half an hour later, they would still be having the same conversation. Juushiro would ask the question, and Renji would either frown and say he couldn't picture the room, or he would suddenly sit up straight with a start, obviously having drifted off to sleep.

"I'm sorry, Ukitake-taicho," Renji said, face pink with a mix of shame and frustration. "I'm wasting your time."

The captain shook his head. He could tell that the young man was getting tired, and the harder he tried, the more impatient he became, and the more difficult it was to get him to relax. "Don't apologize, Abarai-fukutaicho," Juushiro said, giving Renji an understanding smile. "Let's stop for today, I don't want to cause you too much stress."

Renji let out a dejected sigh and clenched his fists. "I don't know why I—"

"It's not entirely unexpected," Juushiro interrupted. "You are, after all, distressed after what happened during the night, and you're exhausted. I should have taken these into account, so it's my fault, not yours."

Renji immediately opened his mouth to protest, but Juushiro held up a hand. "Please, do not apologize," he said, giving Renji a kind smile. "This exercise, as I like to call it, is supposed to help you, not to give you more guilt or stress. Go home and rest for a few days, then we can continue."

"A few days?" Renji asked in surprise as he stood up. "I'll be back tomorrow, and I'll do better, I promise." Then, he bowed deeply in apology before leaving.

Staring at the lieutenant's back, Juushiro wondered with a worried frown if he had just made things worse.

* * *

For the next two weeks, Renji returned every night. And he tried, night after night, to achieve the proper state of mind. But for the life of him—and Juushiro's—he just could not.

At least he had improved to the point that he can now picture the room, but the slightest distraction—the ticking of a clock, a random rustling of leaves—would jolt him out of it.

Juushiro tried other methods too. Instead of picturing a room, he asked Renji to follow his voice as he led the young man through an imaginary path in the woods and eventually, to a clearing that was meant to be a soothing environment—the equivalent of the empty room. Renji would look as though he had gone into a trance-like state as he listened to the captain's gentle voice, but the moment Juushiro stopped speaking, he would snap out of it and become fully alert.

It was, needless to say, frustrating. But it was more so for Renji—Juushiro had the patience of a thousand men, but Renji, being naturally outgoing and hotheaded to begin with, became more and more agitated as the sessions wore on.

So, when it finally happened, Juushiro was caught completely unprepared.

One minute Renji had his eyes closed with a slight frown on his face, and the next, he had collapsed to his side, his body convulsing as though he had gone into a seizure.

Juushiro immediately rushed to his side. Sliding one arm under the young man's neck, he pulled Renji up to rest against his own chest. With his free hand, he swept the bright crimson locks—which had fallen loose when Renji collapsed—away from the man's face. Only then did he realize that Renji was not having a seizure.

He was having one of his terrible visions. And based on the words and cries spilling out of Renji's lips, Juushiro had no problem identifying which one it was.

"Taicho!" Renji screamed, tossing in Juushiro's arms. He jerked his head side to side as if he was shaking something off his body, and his breaths came in ragged gasps and whimpers. Juushiro cradled the man's head and rubbed a palm soothingly on the heaving chest, his mind churning for a way to stop this.

Using the same calm voice that he used to lead the exercises, Juushiro said, "Wake up, you can wake up now." He patted Renji's cheeks gently and repeated the same words.

Renji continued to thrash in Juushiro's lap. On top of the cries, he was now clawing at his body as though he wanted to rip his clothes apart. His screams were so hoarse and filled with so much anguish that Juushiro instinctively tightened his hold around Renji's shoulders and chest. There was no doubt that the lieutenant was experiencing the same pain he felt the day he was nearly shredded into pieces by Byakuya's _bankai_.

Juushiro gritted his teeth and fumed. What kind of man could put his subordinate through such agony and then leave the man to die?

Hugging the lieutenant tightly against his chest, Juushiro rocked his body gently and chanted "You're okay, you're okay" over and over again in a futile attempt to calm the man down. Looking down, Juushiro's heart clenched as he took in the battered sight of the young man. His skin was ghostly pale underneath a sheen of sweat, and a thin trail of blood trickled down from his lips where he had bitten through them. He looked broken, and suddenly so, so young.

"Shhh..." Juushiro continued to rub Renji's chest in little circles, feeling the impossibly fast heartbeat under the man's damp _shihakusho_. As if in response, Renji began to sob. Tears leaked from the corners of his eyes and began to slide down his cheeks.

Before he could think of what he was doing, Juushiro leaned down and pressed his lips over one of Renji's trembling eyelids. He tasted salt, and for reasons he could not understand, he, too, began to cry.

Was it a natural response to the other man's tears? Was he crying for Renji's suffering? Juushiro didn't know. All he knew was that he wanted to do something, he _needed_ to do something—_anything_—to comfort the young man lying in his arms. Breathing heavily between his own sobs, Juushiro kissed Renji's other eyelid, then, slowly, he brushed his lips along the man's cheeks, following the salty trail of tears.

_If I could take on some of this pain myself, I would._

Then, before he could stop himself, Juushiro planted his lips on Renji's quivering ones.

* * *

**To be continued...**

**Hearts beating faster? Anyone?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thank you all so much for following this story! And thank you so, so much for the feedback~ Burgundur, thanks to Google Translate, I got your message! ^.^ I want to put a heart symbol here but ffnet won't let me. :(**

* * *

The sea of pain parted, and a new sensation—something wet and _very_ soft—enveloped him like a blanket. With a gasp of relief, Renji welcomed the comfort. The flames on his skin flickered and protested, determined to continue their torment, but they were no match against this newcomer. After a final, weak attempt to reignite, the fire died.

But with that came a sudden flood of stinging chill, as though he had fallen through a sheet of ice into a frigid lake. Pain that had been blissfully absent for barely a heartbeat rushed back immediately, but almost just as quickly, the same blanket radiated warmth—soothing, glorious warmth—and Renji stopped struggling.

And then there was just darkness.

* * *

Juushiro felt Renji fall limp in his arms, and he finally lifted his head, breaking the kiss. The sudden loss of contact on his lips jolted him out of his daze.

_He's not moving!_

Suddenly frantic again, Juushiro ran his hand over the lieutenant's face, chest, and arms, checking for signs of life. There it was, just barely, the slow but steady rise and fall of the tattooed chest. Relieved, Juushiro began to brush the damp strands of hair away from Renji's sweat-slicked face. Renji was still deathly pale, but at least he wasn't screaming and thrashing anymore.

_What stopped it?_ Juushiro would like to think it was because of his kiss, but was it?

_Oh._

Juushiro's hand shot to his mouth. _What have I done? _

He had just kissed his subordinate! He kissed a man who was unconscious and defenseless! His hands slipped and he nearly dropped Renji. He caught the man in time, but he suddenly dared not touch him anymore. He was a monster—a despicable man who took advantage of a young man when he was most vulnerable, and he needed to get Renji as far away from him as possible.

With trembling hands, Juushiro gently lay Renji onto his back on the mat. Then, he stood up and found a thin blanket and draped it over the lieutenant's body. Standing next to Renji, Juushiro stared at the man—his features were soft in sleep, the frown and ever-present scowl gone. He looked impossibly young to be one of the most powerful vice captains in the Gotei 13.

Juushiro clenched his fists. Not only had he presented himself as a senior officer to Renji, he had invited the man into his home and volunteered to _help_. And now what had he done?

Suddenly thirsty and in need of something to calm his nerves, Juushiro went into the kitchen and grabbed a cup of tea. But the tea somehow tasted bitter, and with a sudden flare of rage at himself, Juushiro slammed the cup down on the tiled countertop. The cup shattered.

* * *

Renji was confused when he opened his eyes. The pattern on the ceiling looked foreign, the walls blank, and there was the unmistakable scent of herbs and chemical around him.

"You're finally awake! Took you long enough," a cheerful female voice said. Then the familiar form of his childhood friend appeared next to his bed.

"Rukia!" Renji sat up immediately. Of course! This was the Fourth division infirmary!

"Yamada-kun said that you would be thirsty when you wake up. Here." Rukia held up a steaming hot mug of herbal tea, and Renji accept it with a grateful smile. The strong smell of herbs would have deterred him normally, but he gulped down every drop.

Renji handed the empty cup to Rukia. "How'd I get here?" he asked curiously.

"Ukitake-taicho sent you here," Rukia said. "What were you doing at his house? He wouldn't tell us anything."

Renji blinked in confusion for a few seconds, then his eyes suddenly widened as his memory rushed back. He had been doing the exercise, trying to prepare his mind for the next step. From the looks of things, he had obviously failed, _again_. But how...?

He closed his eyes and tried to remember what happened after he closed his eyes during the exercise. Ukitake-taicho had used the walk-in-the-forest approach that day, and he had been walking along, listening to the captain's voice. But after that, he drew a blank.

_What happened?_

Rukia noticed the confusion on her friend's face and placed a comforting hand on his arm. "Don't think about it now," she said. "You need to rest first, then we can figure out what happened."

Renji nodded numbly. Despite Rukia's words, he knew he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it. But he let Rukia tuck him back into the covers. She stayed around for a few more minutes, mostly to make sure that he had everything he needed within reach, then she bid him goodbye.

Before she left, she leaned in and gave him a chaste peck on the forehead.

The closeness of Rukia's body and the brief warmth of her lips on his face sent a jolt of déjà vu through his mind, but before he could grasp it, it was gone.

After Rukia left, Renji stayed awake, staring blankly at the ceiling. Inside, his mind churned, struggling to replay what had happened during the day. Was it just today? He forgot to ask Rukia what day it was. He would just have to assume that it was the same day.

He was walking down the path in the woods, he remembered. Ukitake-taicho was saying that he was approaching a clearing, the trees had begun to thin out as he moved forward. Then...it was blank. Did he even reach the clearing?

His mind reran the same thoughts over and over again, and eventually, his eyes grew heavy. Despite his reluctance to sleep, his exhausted body won the battle, and he slipped into unconsciousness.

* * *

"Your fangs will never reach me."

Renji groaned. _Not again. Please...not again._

He reached for his sword even though he knew the sheath would be empty—it was always empty. He began the incantation for _hado no 31_, but he already knew it was too late.

His vision began to blur, and he braced himself for the pain. _Not again! Leave me alone!_

It struck him from every direction and he fell onto his knees, gasping for breath like he always did. Experiencing the same pain repeatedly did not help dull the agony—he still felt as though his body was on fire, he still felt the sting of every cut from the deceptively delicate petals.

_Stop! Stop!_

Suddenly, he was wrapped in a gentle, cool embrace. Instinctively, he clung to it even though he couldn't see it. He had no idea what it was, but it felt familiar. As the searing pain began to subside, he sobbed out loud in relief.

With a breathless gasp, Renji sat up abruptly. His heartbeat echoed in his temples, and he groaned as his body finally registered the splitting headache he was having. It was unbelievable; he was getting these visions of Kuchiki-taicho more and more often—

His eyes widened. He remembered now: he _had_ stepped into the clearing. Everything around him had begun to fade away, and then he had heard Kuchiki-taicho's voice. He'd reached the semi-conscious state! But...but then he must've failed to confront his vision, otherwise he would not be in the infirmary now.

As his mind began to fill in the blanks, he realized that the nightmare he just had was different from the ones he had always had—this one included something that stopped the pain. With that realization came another rush of memories, but they were vague to the point that he couldn't be certain whether they were real memories or pieces from his dream.

There had been the reassuring warmth of a body next to him—no, not just next to him, it was pressed firmly against him. There had been...Rukia's lips on his forehead flashed in his mind...there had been the soft and wet sensation of someone's lips on his face. Or was it just someone's hand?

Renji shook his head. The more he tried to remember, the more confused he became. But either way, whatever those memories may be, he was _sure_ that he'd had one of his visions while he was at Ukitake-taicho's house.

So why wasn't the captain here?

* * *

Juushiro winced as he washed the dishes. The detergent stung the cuts on his hand—there were some shallow ones on the back of his hand, and there was a particularly deep gash at the side of his palm. All because he couldn't control his emotions. He had never been so impulsive before, and he had never lost his temper like this. Shunsui had always teased him for it, going as far as saying that he would dance naked during a captain's meeting if Juushiro lost his temper one day. _Oh, Shunsui..._

Some of Renji's hotheadedness must've rubbed off on him.

The thought of the lieutenant made him lose the grip of the small plate he was washing, and it fell into the sink and landed with a sickening crack. With a dejected sigh, Juushiro carefully picked up the jagged shards and dropped them into the wastebasket.

As the broken remains of the plate hit the bottom of the basket with a crunch, he felt the familiar _reiatsu_ of the one person he did not want to see.

* * *

**Mental image of Shunsui dancing naked? :p**

**I hope this doesn't count as a cliffy, I certainly don't mean for it to be. I tend to write things in blocks that switch between the POVs of the different characters, and this happens to be one of those switching points.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Another quick update! :) Thank you for reading and reviewing! **

* * *

Once again, Renji found himself sitting in Ukitake-taicho's living room. This time, though, the air hung heavily over their heads, the tension so thick that Renji could almost taste it on his tongue. There were no light-hearted jokes to trade tonight, no casual chatter about the day's events at their respective divisions, and no food laid out on the table that separated them.

Juushiro had opened the door and invited the lieutenant in once he sensed his presence. There was no point hiding, or delaying the inevitable—that would only be childish. Juushiro had no intention to sink any lower than he already was.

And he _was_...low, because not only had he touched a fellow officer inappropriately, he had _liked_ it. Having Renji in his arms had felt so right when he did it—it had come so naturally, like an instinct. And kissing the man was just...it had felt so good. But it was so _wrong_.

He hadn't meant to simply abandon Renji at the Fourth; he had, in fact, stayed for half an hour. Worried as he was, he couldn't tear his eyes away from Renji's face—so serene and innocent-looking when free from his terrors, yet he couldn't bear looking at it because it reminded him of what he had done. After thirty minutes of agony, he left.

How ironic it was. Juushiro set out to help rid Renji of his nightmares and visions, yet now he was the one stuck with images of how Renji would react when he wakes up. Would he remember what Juushiro had done? Was he even conscious enough to feel his touches? Would he see fury in those fiery brown eyes, or would he see disgust?

Any doubts Renji had about whether his hazy memories were real dissipated as soon as he saw Ukitake-taicho. He immediately recognized the connection between the captain's aura with the calming entity in his dreams—he knew no other word to call it. An embrace? A presence? He couldn't see it, couldn't touch it, but he _felt_ it even though he didn't know what it was.

And now they sat in silence, each lost in their own thoughts, until Juushiro asked softly, "What do you remember?"

"Not much," Renji admitted. "Just...being held, and..." His voice trailed off as he hesitated.

Juushiro did his best to maintain eye contact with the lieutenant as he waited to hear the next words.

"And being kissed, I think," Renji continued. He kept his gaze on the captain's face and saw a delicate shade of pink blossom on the man's cheeks.

Juushiro let out a shaky sigh. Well, it wasn't as though he would hide the truth even if Renji didn't remember a thing. He had every intention to tell the man everything, and then he would bear whatever consequences that followed—including punishment from the Gotei 13 if Renji chose to report him. But he knew that the redhead would not do so; over the weeks he had come to know the young man well enough to predict that Renji would keep this matter between them for the sake of Juushiro's honor. And that made him feel even worse.

"I'm sorry," Juushiro said in a small voice, then immediately felt stupid for saying it. Words seemed so...trivial, how was it supposed to atone for his actions? He fell silent and stared at Renji, waiting for an outburst.

But it never came. An odd expression—confusion? relief?—splashed across the redhead's face, and he opened his mouth as though to say something only to close it again.

Silence stretched.

If Renji's audience were someone else, he would not get the luxury of simply sitting there without a response. But since it was Juushiro, he had all the time in the world to pull his thoughts together.

What was this warmth that was spreading in his chest? Why did he feel relieved that he hadn't simply imagined everything?

When Renji finally spoke, it was the last thing Juushiro expected to hear. "Thank you." There was no anger, no hint of sarcasm, no hatred—the lieutenant looked completely serious.

"I...but I don't understand," Juushiro stuttered, at loss for words. His eyes were wide, unblinking.

"I know now, what was missing," Renji went on as though he hadn't heard the captain. "And what I've been searching for all this while."

Juushiro shook his head, still not comprehending.

Renji leaned forward and looked intently into the captain's confused green eyes. "Ukitake-taicho, I am not an eloquent man. I don't know how to say this in a way that won't sound stupid," he said. "I've been searching for someone who can _fix_ me." His face turned red as the next sentence rolled off his tongue. "And that someone is you."

Juushiro froze with an incredulous look on his face.

Again, Renji ignored the captain's reaction. "I needed someone who cared, someone who would understand my darkest secrets and not turn away." He paused. "Someone I can trust."

"Someone you can trust?" Juushiro echoed with a pained look. "That's the complete opposite of what I am."

"You had the self-control to push me away," Renji pointed out.

Juushiro flung his arms in the air. "But I didn't have the self-control _not _to do it in the first place!" He breathed heavily, self-loathing clear in his eyes.

"I'm glad you didn't," Renji said with a small smile. "Because...otherwise I'd never know how you feel." When the captain buried his face in his hands, Renji said, "I felt how hard you fought to protect me. You truly care, I can feel it." Then, when Juushiro remained silent, he asked softly, "How close am I?"

Juushiro looked up. "I...I don't know."

Renji moved towards the captain, who stayed rooted to the spot as though he didn't know what to do. When Renji was seated next to Juushiro, he leaned in and whispered, "Then let's find out."

Juushiro couldn't move. He only stared, frozen, as the lieutenant came closer and closer, until finally, their lips connected. His eyelids slid shut on their own accord as soon as he felt Renji's lips on his—there it was again, the feeling that this was _so right_. But he remained still. _This can't be right_, he thought even as his mind started to swim. _He's my kohai...my colleague, my..._

Then Renji's lips began to move—they were warm, moist, soft against Juushiro's, which had suddenly gone dry. The younger man traced his tongue lightly along Juushiro's lower lip. Then, once Juushiro's lips were moist too, Renji brushed his lips against them, caressing the fragile skin, coaxing the captain to respond.

And respond he did. The last of his defenses fell away when he felt Renji's palm on his cheek, and he moaned deep in his throat—it was low, barely audible, but Renji felt the vibration on his lips. Encouraged, he tilted his head to the side and deepened their kiss, begging for entry, and Juushiro finally parted his lips, allowing Renji to slide his tongue slowly into his mouth.

Renji explored carefully, afraid to startle the captain. After a brief moment of hesitation, he reached out to touch Juushiro's tongue with his own. Juushiro's breath hitched in his throat at the unspoken invitation, and he accepted, brushing his tongue gently against the other. At the contact, Renji wrapped his free arm around Juushiro's waist and pulled him closer.

Before long, they were panting into each other's mouth, their hands roaming from shoulders to arms, arms to chests, then slowly but surely, down to their hips.

"May I?" Renji asked, tightening his grip on the captain's hips.

Juushiro didn't say anything, but his hand went to Renji's _shihakusho_ and tugged at the collar until it slipped off one shoulder. The answer was clear enough.

With a smile, Renji got onto his knees and guided the captain onto his back.

* * *

**To be continued...**

**This is it, my favorite part of this story! :p Yes, I'm perverted and I know it. ;)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello there, dear readers~ May I present you, the final chapter of Seeking Guidance.**

* * *

Juushiro was breathing too fast, way too fast for his own good. The feeling of the younger man's eager mouth on his neck was intoxicating, and soft moans spilled from his lips with each nip, each flick of the tongue.

Renji kissed like he fought—rough, passionate, aggressive. Once he figured out that Juushiro was as willing as he was to go further, his initial shyness gave way to what was obviously his preferred style. His teeth constantly grazed Juushiro's skin—although it was never hard enough to cut—and Juushiro surprised himself by loving the feeling. It felt...dangerous, like they were skirting the fine line between pain and pleasure.

With a breathless groan, Juushiro's head fell back and he shivered as Renji dragged his lips and teeth lightly down his pale throat, leaving behind a faint pink trail as though to mark his territory. Once he arrived at the hollow between Juushiro's collarbones, he began to slide his body southward, tracing his tongue on the captain's chest as he went, raising goosebumps on the taut skin. Using his teeth, he pulled the robes open, exposing more and more skin.

As he moved, Renji unintentionally brushed against Juushiro's hardening arousal. Even through the fabric of their robes, the pleasure was intense, and Juushiro gasped—much louder than he intended to. He immediately blushed a deep shade of red when he heard the lustful sound that tumbled from his own lips.

With a sly grin, Renji moved back up and deliberately rubbed the front of his lower body against the captain. This time, he was rewarded with a soft hiss. Grinning now, he did it again, rolling his hips against the overheated flesh beneath him.

"Abarai-fukutaicho...if you keep doing that..." Juushiro admonished, moaning and chuckling at the same time.

Renji laughed, then, lowering himself on his elbows, he leaned down and whispered next to Juushiro's ear. "Don't you think that name is a little too long?"

The captain chuckled again. "Habits die hard," he said.

"Yeah?" Renji ran his tongue along the older man's earlobe and felt the man shiver. "We'll have to work on that one." Taking the sensitive flesh between his teeth, he nibbled on it gently, then, without warning, he rocked his hips again, crushing their arousals roughly together.

Juushiro cried out as the friction sent a jolt of pleasure through his limbs. The tension that was already beginning to pool in his belly tightened a notch, and he dug his nails into the lieutenant's back as a warning. "Stop," he gasped.

"Stop what?" Renji asked teasingly before repeating the movement. The muscles on his back protested when the captain's nails dug even deeper.

"Stop _that_," Juushiro said with a hint of exasperation, knowing full well that the younger man was taunting him.

Renji grinned. "This?" he asked with mock innocence, following the question with another well-calculated roll of his hips.

Juushiro made a noise that was a mixture of a laugh and a groan before saying, "Stop that, Renji...before I—"

The rest of his sentence was lost as his lips were claimed by the redhead. Strong fingers tugged on his hair, sending little jolts of pain to his scalp, but they were but an insignificant distraction. His mind was much, much busier with other things—looking for a way to hold back his release was one of them.

"I love the way you say my name," Renji whispered with a satisfied smile. Then, without further comments, he moved off of Juushiro's body and offered a hand to pull the older man up into a sitting position.

Juushiro remained still and let Renji undress him. The redhead circled to the captain's back and wrapped his arms around the man's waist to loosen the sash that was holding the robe closed. Juushiro pressed his back into Renji's chest, feeling the younger man's heartbeat—it was racing madly, just like his own.

Renji nuzzled the captain's hair, taking in the faint scent of herbs. "You smell nice," he murmured. His fingers moved up to caress Juushiro's chest, stopping briefly to tease the sensitive nipples, then he slowly peeled the robe away, sliding it off one shoulder followed by the other. Juushiro shivered as the fabric brushed his skin, and Renji mistook it to mean that the captain was cold and hastily brought up the robe to cover the man again.

Shaking his head, Juushiro turned around and placed a hand on Renji's arm to stop him, then, with his other hand, he grabbed the redhead's collar and pulled him closer. Their lips met once more in a passionate dance of desire, drawing soft whimpers and growls from their throats.

Their kiss grew in urgency, broken only for Renji to shrug out of his clothes, and then Juushiro found himself on his back again. The brief pause in their body contact earlier had calmed him down slightly, but now the heat returned as Renji's mouth moved lower and lower. Anticipation and arousal made Juushiro's hands tremble as he raked his fingers through the fiery red mane hovering over his body. Renji's hair was coarser than his, and for a moment he was distracted by the difference in texture, so when Renji suddenly took him in his mouth, he was completely unprepared. His fists clenched on their own accord as he cried out in a mixture of surprise and pleasure.

The pain from the hard tug on his hair nearly made Renji yelp out loud, but it also sent a wave of satisfaction through his body, and he smiled, proud that he was able to garner such a reaction from the older, more experienced man. Still, he grumbled playfully, "You're going to make me go bald if you do that again."

The vibration from Renji's throat added to the pleasure, and Juushiro's toes curled. He understood what Renji said even though the words came out muffled with him being in between Renji's lips, and he laughed. "S-sorry," he said apologetically, letting go of the younger man's hair.

But when Renji hollowed his cheeks and began to suck, Juushiro's fingers found the red strands again. His surroundings faded away—all he felt was the warm, moist walls rubbing along his length. Renji alternated the pace, sometimes pulling away and kissing just the tip, sometimes dragging his sinfully-skilled tongue up and down the shaft.

Juushiro could not stop the moans that spilled naturally from his lips—all his self-control was spent on refraining from thrusting up into the delicious heat. The pleasure built, and built, and built. With a shudder, Juushiro suddenly realized that he was close to his limit. "S-stop," he said shakily, tapping lightly on Renji's head.

The redhead let go of him and crawled up for a kiss. Juushiro tasted himself on the quivering lips as their mouths clashed, their urgency making their movements clumsier.

"I...can I..." Renji stuttered breathlessly, ducking his head down and brushing his nose against the captain's ear.

"Yes...over there." Juushiro waved his finger blindly, gesturing in the general direction behind his head. Vague as it was, it wasn't difficult to decipher his intention. Renji scrambled to his feet and half crawled, half stumbled over to the lone chest of drawers against the wall.

The drawer slammed shut and Renji returned. A small bottle slipped out of his hand and fell on its side along with two hair ties. He threw one to the captain, who propped himself up and quickly gathered his hair into a ponytail. Renji, however, had some trouble as his trembling hands refused to cooperate.

Laughing, Juushiro reached out to help. As he swept Renji's hair into ponytail, he teased, "Patience, Renji."

Renji proceeded to shut the captain up with another one of his fiery kisses, then, without breaking the kiss, he pushed the older man onto his back.

Once Juushiro's back touched the mat, Renji's mouth moved to his neck, licking and nipping at the skin that was already peppered with the marks from earlier. As Renji's body pressed against his, Juushiro made way for the younger man and drew up his knees, trapping Renji between his legs.

When the first finger entered, Juushiro didn't flinch, but by the time the third was added, his muscles began to protest, and he couldn't stop his grunt of pain in time. Renji flicked a worried glance at him. When Juushiro shook his head to indicate that Renji shouldn't stop, the redhead kissed him lightly on the lips in an unspoken apology.

Perhaps it was because of that, Renji was surprisingly gentle when he finally withdrew his fingers and aligned himself. He slid in almost politely, pushing forward at a painstakingly slow pace. Juushiro smiled in appreciation and wrapped his arms around the younger man's waist. After a while, deciding that it was too much of a torture for Renji—if the man's frown and clenched jaw were any indication, Juushiro tightened his hold on Renji and shook him gently.

Renji paused, confused at first, then his eyes widened in understanding. Nuzzling the captain's neck, he snapped his hips forward. With a powerful stroke, he sheathed himself to the hilt inside the older man. Overwhelmed by the sudden tightness around him, Renji let loose a deep growl from the back of his throat and buried his face into the white strands tucked neatly behind Juushiro's neck..

Juushiro cried out and arched his back as a sharp ache shot up his spine, his body reacting naturally to the invasion. His legs went around Renji's hips for support.

"Are you okay?" Renji asked, his voice thick with arousal.

Too breathless to speak properly, the captain simply nodded, his face flushed and covered in a light sheen of sweat.

"I'm gonna move, okay," Renji warned in a whisper. When Juushiro nodded again, he pulled out and drove back in, earning another cry from the man beneath him.

Juushiro clung desperately to Renji, unable to do anything but moan in time with the man's thrusts. Their rhythm was irregular at first, but it didn't take long for them to pick up a comfortable pace. The sound of sweat-slicked skin sliding against one another, along with the increasingly urgent cries that spilled freely from their lips, filled the room.

Renji's hair began to escape their bindings as its owner moved faster and faster, his thrusts becoming almost violent. Every sound from the captain fed the fire in Renji's loins, and as the heat grew in his belly, he knew he won't be able to last much longer. Supporting himself on one elbow, he reached between them and began to stroke the arousal pressed hotly against his body.

Juushiro's hips bucked, Renji's added touch pushing him that much closer to his release. He could tell that the younger man was close too, so he raised his hips to meet each powerful thrust, his breath becoming harsher and more ragged as they raced towards their peak.

And then they were suddenly there. After an especially well-placed snap of his hips, Renji heard a soft gasp, and the captain stiffened beneath him. Unable to resist the constriction of the velvet walls around him, the redhead followed suit with a strangled cry, spilling himself deep within the throbbing heat.

It was then, as warmth spread inside him, that Juushiro realized that he _did_ care. He cared about this young man; perhaps not when he first invited him into his home, but definitely now. The guilt that he had been carrying washed away as he looked up into the dark eyes above him. This was right after all.

Juushiro didn't know how long they remained still, his mind too hazy to do anything except struggle to get his breath and heart rate back to normal.

Renji eventually moved, rolling off Juushiro's body and settling down next to him with a contented sigh. "You do care," he said softly. His hand reached up and wiped the corner of the captain's eye—his fingers came away wet.

Juushiro turned to the redhead and placed a kiss on his hair. "Yes," he admitted. "I do."

After a moment of silence, Renji propped himself up on one elbow. "Remember how you told me that there are many ways to handle emotions?" he asked, running a finger along the lean arm next to him. "And I told you that I only know one?"

Juushiro raised an eyebrow inquiringly.

"Well, I think I just found another." Renji grinned.

The captain chuckled and threw an arm over his forehead. "If you're going to 'handle your emotions' like that, you're going to kill me one day," he said, wincing as he straightened his legs.

Renji's face fell as a look of guilt spread over his face. "Sorry."

"Oh, I didn't mean it that way," Juushiro said with an uncharacteristically mischievous grin. Really, Renji's nature was beginning to rub off on him. Sitting up, he heaved himself onto the redhead with a strong flex of his torso. "What I mean is..."

Renji's eyes widened as he waited for the bomb to fall.

Straddling the lieutenant's hips, Juushiro bent down and whispered in his ear, "I know of slower, _much _more sustainable ways that you can use to 'handle your emotions'." He dragged his nails down the young man's tattooed chest. "If you know what I mean."

The redhead's grin returned. "Teach me,_ sensei_."

**END**

* * *

**I swear, this isn't a cliffhanger, it's meant to let your imagination run wild! **

**Of course, I also left it this way so that—when the mood strikes—a sequel may be possible. :)**

**Thank you everyone for following the story, you guys really keep me motivated with the kind feedback and favs! And of course, thank you, Cuzosu, for the challenge! ;) I hope that I managed to keep them both in character till the end.**


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